Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

making meaning of musical milestones

Well, wowee wow.

It’s really autumn isn’t it? It’s 7:00pm and it’s been dark out for a whiiile now. I’ve already enjoyed my dinner. I’m cozy with a cup of tea and excited to keep diving into another new TV show, but I’ve decided I’m going to make be a little treat. Once I’ve accomplished my creative goals for the eve, then I can sit back and enjoy my show :)

I like figuring out those little brain hacks: how can a little delayed gratification and simple reward system support me in accomplishing my tasks?

I think I tend to struggle with self-discipline and things like delayed gratification. I like to feel good, and I can be a little impatient. I will easily snack on a whole bag of chips in one go (not a big bag though, like the small bag of spicy tempura seaweed chips from trader joe’s. Obsesseddd).

I let myself indulge. I enjoy treats, shopping, and a good binge watch of a TV show if I’m in the mood. And I don’t really mind. I think I’m generally pretty responsible when it comes to substances, so if it’s little things like this then, hey! I give myself permission.

Yet, I do find myself craving a more consistent music practice. And I’m proud to say that I have been working on music a little bit every night this week! Sometimes the compromise to my nighttime art sessions is a night out with friends or socializing in some manner. I haven’t been a in a very social mood this week, which has been good for my art.

I do think I could give myself a little more credit too…it sure takes discipline to complete an album, it sure takes trusting in the vision and in the long game to complete a project after four years. It’s a huge accomplishment, and one that DID require discipline in concentrated times throughout the process! And that is something I should be really proud of! (Writing this here so I remember to actually take a moment to give myself that acknowledgement which is soo easy to overlook.)

And, still…I know that the last couple of times I have performed harp, I felt a little disconnected from my instrument.

Like, I could pull it off, and there are parts of improvising that come pretty naturally, but I also want to feel a little more certainty when I’m plucking those strings. I do feel a baseline level of familiarity and comfort with my harp when I’m engaging with it, but I want to make even more bold and daring moves, especially publicly. I do think my performances have been good, solid, and even a wonderful experience for the listener, but I think they could feel even better for me as a performer if I put a little more effort into practicing my harp playing on a more consistent basis.

In fact, I think that’s a big takeaway for me from the weekend. I just got back from a multi-day immersive art event on Monday. It was incredible. I could write a whole post on my experience there, but all I will say for now is that:

1) witnessing how intricate and detailed other people’s artistic creations are is incredibly inspiring and gives me hope!

2) I got to experience one of the most positive performances as a harp player, even amidst my own internal struggles in the moment!

I did a renegade performance, which was sort of chaotic. I had to find time to squeeze in a harp set between my volunteer shifts, performing a schtick with friends, and also my need for fun and enjoyment as a participant as well. I couldn’t hear myself very well during my performance since my amp was not set up in the best position. And even though I did have moments where I felt very present and in total bliss, I did feel out of touch with my harp too. I hadn’t had time to sit down with my instrument before being in front of a full audience. I walked into a crowded room of people and began playing. (people were expecting me, it was prearranged, but still it was extremely edgy!). But I pulled it off and got some reallllly great feedback. And I know that the container I created through my sounds was potent regardless.

It was one of those life-affirming moments of a really big year. 2025 has included some huge milestones creatively for me. And this is one of them. Performing in an entirely new setting, in a sort of festival environment with harp, among some pretty high-caliber art was so satisfying. And I know from multiple people in the room that I made a positive impact on those who witnessed. (And many tears were shed, too!)

I think the more I get out there and play the more I remember how meaningful it is for me AND for my listeners. And then it feeds into this more clear motivation for practicing at home in my downtime. That’s what I’m striving for: my creative practice to feel more like a habit, a rhythm, rather than a chore.

It felt affirming that I experienced my performance to be totally enough as it was. That was medicine for sure. And it has me excited about the possibilities for an even richer, profound, and beautiful experience with a little more discipline supporting me. Performing at this event really stirred something in me, creatively! And I celebrate that.

I was on the edge of a total breakdown after my performance because it was as hectic packing up my gear as it was setting up. I almost thought I lost my phone (somehow it got shoved into my harp case). My mic got carried away on the stand before I got to tuck it safely into my gear bag. Delegating is hard sometimes. All my friends dispersed, and fortunately one new festie homie stuck around to help me with the final schlep otherwise I would have probably bawled my eyes out from just pure exhaustion of putting out all that energy. And in that moment, I missed my band, I missed being part of a collaborative project. Being the only one with gear to carry at the end of a set can feel kind of lonely.

Afterwards I took a breather, wandered off into the festival alone, and it was the start of an epic weekend!!

It seems like the astrology this week for me is about creative breakthroughs, and I certainly had one of those last eve. While I was messing around with a more electronic indie track that I’ve been playing around with for over a year I discovered that I can actually play harp on it live!

This is huge.

It’s not always easy to come up with songs I can play live on the harp-they essentially need to be in the same key or have very few key changes since it’s so tricky to change levers mid-song. And the parts need to fit in a way that flows.

But this song work really nicely with harp! How could I not have realized it sooner??

I love experiencing the puzzle pieces of my art coming together. And things just seem to click more now with this song, now that I can incorporate some rad harp into the mix.

And honestly this is just another example of that a-ha moment that occurs when a track I’ve been working on in the synthy realms gets to include some element of acoustic instrumentation. It’s happened a few times where I just get this clarity, and, bing! The perfect instrument finds its way into the track. It always makes the song pop with aliveness, with richness, and with even more color.

I love synthy tracks. A part of me definitely wants to lean harder into the synth realms. And even though I do love writing songs on keyboard and using that as a tool as a composer & music producer I strangely feel shy about performing with it. I’d like to move through that block eventually. But to discover that I could actually sing play harp on this track to add to the synthy bits is extremely satisfying. Now I just gotta bring more collaborators together to make it a fully live version ;) Woo! I’m really excited!!

I tend to vibe around some of the same chords, modes, and melodic phrases on a multi-instrumental level. It’s like there’s a mother chord that lives in me, in my musical soul….one that is my internal musical compass and has many tributaries, streams, and channels shooting off from it. Like a delta of inspiration. So it makes sense when these puzzle pieces click together. But it always feels like such a holy miracle.

I feel the creative gods smiling down upon me, knowing that in just the right moment, I’ll have the breakthrough I need :) After a few weeks of feeling some stagnation in the music production department, this was exactly what I needed to feel excited about my art again!

Well, writing about this is just making me so excited to dive back and rehearse. And that’s the cool thing too, now that I’ve discovered that this harp part can be incorporated, it’s actually something TANGIBLE to practice.

I think that’s why I may struggle with rehearsing more of my improv stuff…especially just practicing solo. Sure it’s fun to noodle around, but when I’m working on a more structured track there is nothing more satisfying than witnessing the progress I make… when transitions become more seamless, when the muscle memory really kicks in, and I can just flow. I love that state.

Maybe I’ll keep making more songs in this indie-pop genre that can include live harp. Who knows!

Well, before I sign off I just want to say that I’m excited to keep wrapping up my album Waves Between Worlds, but progress got stunted a bit for various reasons. Yet, my creative direction seems to always be flowing somewhere, and I’m glad it’s taken a little detour into the realms I’ve been working in.

That’s all for now, my friends! Hope you are enjoying this crisp autumn air and some cozy beverages.

Much love,

Maze

(this photo wasn’t actually from said art-party I mentioned in this post but a friend’s party a couple weeks earlier. It was the perfect warm-up, and I got to play a little harp set in this atleantean themed costume vibe I put together)